So Happy Together

Festival of fright

2005-11-01T12:49:00.000+08:00

The DVDs
Bring it on
Kenny Rogers
Forrest Gump
Midnight walk along the river
You, me and no one else

Some holidays will always be more painful than others.

Way more painful.

I try to breathe space

2005-09-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

i still miss you so much.

i hope you're doing well.

i miss you terribly.

i am such a stupid guy.

I might never reach you

2005-09-01T00:48:00.000+08:00

Maybe tomorrow will be different, but I miss you a lot.

Its probably quite stupid to say this, but I still love you so very much.

But thoughts can only bring you so far.

Lucidly foggy

2005-08-31T23:25:00.001+08:00

1.30pm: Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting...
2.00pm: Called. Continued waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting...
2.30pm: Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting...
2.40pm: Left. And you called to say you were sleeping
2.45pm: Trickling anger and hurt

2004 was really fucked up.

Lucidly foggy

2005-08-31T23:25:00.000+08:00

don't want to be a pain

2005-08-29T00:04:00.000+08:00

don't wanna stay the same.

And what's a wonderwall anyway?

2005-08-09T02:02:00.000+08:00

Two years and countless tears ago, with a quarter pounder meal and a girl I loved next to me, i experienced the best fireworks display.

It's good to know that you are doing well.

It's good to know I'm feeling not so well - reassuring me what I had/have inside was true and real.

A hulking trigger

2005-07-23T02:29:00.000+08:00

Maybe its the eyes, maybe the hair. But loving her is not the same.

Don't know what I'd do

2005-07-22T00:59:00.000+08:00

I have taken a crack at every shop except yours. Not that crossing the junction is a walk in the park, but I didn't, on the off-chance some dude there might like me. I don't know what I'd do if I had to see you with someone new every other day.

I try everyday to rip you out of my heart and my mind.

I still try.

Hung out to dry.

2005-07-06T22:51:00.000+08:00

This must undeniably be the lowest point for me in a long, long time.

This really feels like the clam pits. I really wish you were around to help drag me up.

The Fullerton Singapore

2005-06-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

Our room number was 861.

The more you try to forget some things, the more they remain ingrained.

I am trying to put out the light

2005-06-23T03:22:00.000+08:00

And I struggle because you will never know how much I love you.

So far away

2005-06-16T00:18:00.000+08:00

1. As far away as SAR.

2. Suddenly 'paperchase' clicked in my mind and connected HK to the fucker.

3. I almost opened up a chat window with you today.

4. Almost did it 2 nights ago, too.

5. You're somebody else's and not mine, so I didn't.

6. Don't think I ever will.

7. I'll stay far away.

Each and every day

2005-06-13T11:27:00.000+08:00

It gets harder to hold on with all this depression over the current gainful unemployment. It's always been hard to shore up sinking morale without you.

This is excruciating.

I don't know how

2005-06-04T00:21:00.000+08:00

I want to but I cannot reach you.

Maybe I never knew how to.

No se juega nada

2005-06-01T12:46:00.000+08:00

Nothing is ever normal again.

When the one and only mutual friend we have now (Mr Six) calls or messages me, my mind races ahead and my heart hopes he's got some message from you.

I hate this subconcious optimism. It seems to exist even when there really is nothing left to play for.

Wasted and complacent

2005-05-28T02:49:00.000+08:00

And you are not here to drag me back up.

The pain went searing through my heart all over again when I saw it

2005-05-12T17:56:00.000+08:00

I still love you very much. You know who to come to, if you ever have a change of heart.

Sometimes, nothing really changes, when everything else does. This place where we met is going to be finally behind me. My heart is so heavy it might just burst.

I can't remember the life before you, and keep wanting the life with you. I don't know how to keep going on...

I killed the love I found

2005-05-09T00:01:00.000+08:00

Happy 26th birthday.

May all your wishes comes true.

Never as tired as when i'm waking up

2005-05-07T02:26:00.000+08:00

I miss you.

And I officially hate mornings now. I still wake up thinking of you. 2 seconds later, I realise you might be in another fucker's arms.

Oh well.

24

2005-05-05T06:42:00.000+08:00

For the 3rd or 4th time in my life, those thoughts entered my head again recently.

Those thoughts that muddle and confuse me. Thoughts that make me feel how dependant I was/am on you. Thoughts that wear me out when thinking about this life.

I sat on the ledge of a 24th floor window for about 20 minutes and wondered if executing those thoughts would attract your attention.

I have never been this close to killing myself. I have never been this frightened. I wish you'd love me too.

I didn't mean to hurt you; it just felt like I wasn't loved back as much which was why I said the things I said

2005-05-03T00:28:00.000+08:00

[The Sparrow - Mary Doria Russell]

"She waited to see if he had more but when he fell silent, she decided to take a shot in the dark. "You know what's the most terrifying thing about admitting that you're in love?" she asked him. "You are just naked. You put yourself in harm's way and you lay down all your defenses. No clothes, no weapons. Nowhere to hide. Completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe the other person loves you back and that you can trust him not to hurt you."

You don't know how pissed I am

2005-05-01T13:19:00.000+08:00

I'm so pissed at me that I'm pissed at you.

(It gets worse over long weekends, and maybe understandably so.)

I figured it out / I can't see again

2005-04-30T04:41:00.000+08:00

You were more than just a girl whom I loved.

You reached out and instilled in me the love of life, vanquished every doubt I had and slowed down my beating heart. I was in love like I never was before.

I want to lock myself in a room and set it on fire.

Some mad fool blindly walked into it

2005-04-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

Good luck to him.

Look what happened to me, dude... I'm still singing the same song in this asylum of one. When love dies, madness engulfs.

And I don't know where to turn now that you're gone

2005-04-25T13:18:00.000+08:00

I won't desert you I don't know what to say I really hurt you I gave it all away How many times must I lose my way How many words do I have to say What can I do just to make you see

This love for you breaks me

2005-04-25T02:15:00.000+08:00

I found this note someone wrote for someone else.

Somehow, I could hear you saying all those things to me.

And it made me weep. This love that grew in my heart for you just refuses to go away. And I know I fouled it up. I know you've moved on, but I just can't seem to get out of this rut.

I wish there was some way to eat up this cancerous sadness that keeps growing in me. This love for you wastes me.

One

2005-04-24T14:41:00.000+08:00

I have never been so down and out before, never so demoralised and deflated before. I've been down the dumps before, but never one of this magnitude. Never thought I'd feel so fragile and broken all at the same time before.

Work, family and friends all suck. And the one person whom I could bury my teary eyes into was chased away by me.

I suppose this is a selfish kind of love, where I stand here wondering how I'm going to run my life without you. I suppose this is one of those things I am selfish about and not ashamed to admit it.

I wish you were here - it really hurts.

It breaks me

2005-04-23T06:11:00.000+08:00

In case if you thought it had quelled, it hasn't. This numbness and sadness just seem to be there, waiting...

I needed you to save me from my own stupidity back then; now I need you to just save me.

I know I won't be leaving here

2005-04-19T14:30:00.000+08:00

So if you're lonely You know I'm here waiting for you I'm just a cross-hair I'm just a shot away from you If you leave here You leave me broken, shattered I lie I'm just a cross-hair

2:19 AM

2005-04-15T10:04:00.000+08:00

I was probably still crying then.

It never seems to stop.

You give it all but I want more

2005-04-14T20:58:00.000+08:00


My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

A chain of events

2005-04-12T16:22:00.000+08:00

Pain leads to anger.

Anger leads to hate.

Hate leads to suffering

Silent whispers

2005-04-12T00:24:00.000+08:00

I miss the way you used to whisper "I love you" softly to me.

If I close my eyes and concentrate hard enough, I can almost hear you say it. So gently and so softly, that it makes me cry. How could I have let it slip away.

It's a good thing we don't talk

2005-04-09T00:11:00.000+08:00

I think jealousy is a good measure of love.

If there was a way to measure it, the total tonnage of jealousy in me could knock a planet off its orbit.

It made me knock a large potted plant off its coordinates, at least.

It was bound to happen

2005-04-07T13:44:00.000+08:00

There's this story of this guy, who only prayed for one thing – he sought divine help for health and strength, because he figured everything else could be stolen if you had health and strength.

I wish I was unhealthy or weak. I had both health and strength and I still couldn't steal you back. And there is no good reason or excuse other than hubris.

I found out earlier today you were seeing someone new. I was absolutely gutted, though I am not a stupid guy and suspected/expected it. (You're not one to mope around and have a track record of moving on anyway; don't glare at me, it's the truth.)

I cried like a baby at work. All over again. It's like those dark days when I left you. It'll carry on for a few days before the wound closes up a little bit more.

But some wounds never close. And, as corny as it is, love never ends. I don't want to be that ex-boyfriend guy who still loves you and still is on talking terms with you. It'll kill your guy like how it killed me. Your new guy might be bigger than that, but I don't want to take that risk. I don't want to be the bastard your ex-boyfriend was to me.

I really hope you find hapiness with your new guy. I just wish I could have been the one, but you eventually didn't let me. That doesn't mean I stopped or will stop loving you. I'll find a way (like this idiotic idea of a web log) to keep loving you.

The day all the love I have for you leaves me, you'll hear from me. Until then, I won't say a thing to you or have anything to do with you (and I apologise for my lapses, mainly over SMS). Whatever happens to me or to you, I'll keep loving you. Of course, I am trying to make space for someone else to come in, but I don't know...

And when I am near to my death (be it 30 days or 30 years later), I just hope you'll find me and be able to just kiss me one last time. Because nobody ever kissed me like you did.

And nobody loved me like you did.

The song remains the same

2005-04-07T10:00:00.000+08:00

hi, after all that i have said, what i have to say now can come as a big shock. no one else has ever meant as much to me as you do. i know i have put you through a real tough time to say the least. but it has not been any easier for me to try and stay away & lose the one person whomeans so much to me. it became clearer & clearer with every potential chick my mum talked about that it is going to be damn hard for me to cope with things without the stability you bring to my life. it might be too late for me, but i cannot stay quiet without having even tried - do i still mean anything to you? i brought all this crap onto myself, as i always do, and it's perfectly ok if you dont want to see me ever again. i just had to ask.

It's now clear that I have led myself down the perilous route of holding out in hope for a return on the full measure of devotion that I committed to for you. Someone let it slip that you were indeed seeing someone new and I don't know why it is killing me so. For more than a year, even thought it might not have seemed so to you, I could not ever get you out of my mind and out of my heart. There was some small part of me that said maybe you might feel the same and we could put it all behind and start over.

There are false starts, false dawns but there is never false hope. Hope is never false. It can never be. The very idea of hope demands nothing but unfaltering optimism and fierce belief. Maybe I might move on someday, maybe find someone and start over and have a family that doesn't have you in it. But I will be still waiting for you. You better believe it when I say I'd drop almost everything even now, if you asked me to. I am waiting to do it, no matter how much time will come to pass.

I might have been just an experiment for you with just a 50-50 success rate, but you were much, much more than that; gold that i let slip between my fingers.

There is nothing but a flicker of hope left for me. I hope you find what you were looking for with your new life.

I love you very much. Goodbye.

If you find somebody to love in this world, you better hang on tooth and nail

2005-04-03T16:45:00.000+08:00

An event happened last August.

It's repeated itself today, with different people.

But I am still the one who is sad. How I wish you were here right by my side. The pain, hurt and sadness would possibly be so much less.

So much less. I just want a shoulder to cry on, and it's ironic that I want someone whom I am still crying over, then and now.

If

2005-04-03T11:46:00.000+08:00

If I could, I would

Let it go...

This desparation. Dislocation. Separation. Condemnation. Revelation. In temptation.Isolation. Desolation.

The memories of the quiet, happier past are inadequate to the stormy, lonely present

2005-04-02T15:31:00.000+08:00

“Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit.”

I'm not joking, I'm really not

2005-04-02T00:35:00.000+08:00

I hope it wasn't awkward for you or anything last night/today morning.

It wasn't for me. I just got reminded (as if it needed reminding) how much it still hurts.

It was terrible seeing you and not talking to you. I spent a lot of time crying in the toilet. I don't know why. But everytime I think I don't know why, I do know why. And I still don't know why it feels this way. You seemed fine;you're probably completely over it or somethign or whatever. But I know you loved me all you could and I fucked it up.

Anyway, it was good to see you doing well. I really miss you though. But you knew that already. I wish there was some way, where you would embrace me completely with open arms. I wuold too, I've got nothing to lose.

I love you. I really do.

I am sorry if I ever hurt you

2005-04-01T02:51:00.000+08:00

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." - Carl W. Buechner

Wondering

2005-03-31T18:47:00.000+08:00

Where you have gone today.

377 days

2005-03-27T03:59:00.000+08:00

The thing is, I suppose it's normal to think of you at my weakest moments and wish you were here. I'd assume that's what happens to most folks and it's happened to me before long long ago with the other 2 women.

But the fuck-all thing is, I keep wishing you were around, not just when I am sad but when I feel happy too. When there is a significant amount of joy in me, when there is a great deal of relief that's been lifted off me or when I am brimming with confidence... the first person I think of is you and how you would have made those feelings a hundred times better. With you left a lot of motivation.

I think I am a little screwed to be even feeling all this even now.

I can't get over you

2005-03-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

No matter what I do.

As much as I want to, I don't really want to. I don't want to ever forget how you looked like, how you smiled back at me, how you moved, how we kissed, how we talked, how you leaned, how you held me, and how you were.

Ever.

Cos I am wrong

2005-03-25T03:26:00.000+08:00

What is the fucking point in logging onto ICQ at 2 in the fucking morning, from a location which I will know isn't your home? Is it to fucking taunt me? To tell me you've moved on to someone else? That you've moved into someone else's life?

If it is to send me a message and to taunt me, con-fucking-gratulations. You have succeeded, with astounding regularity and to great effect.

I dont know why it still bothers me. Actually I do know why, but at the same time, I don't. I hope you're enjoying getting fucked by whoever that Singnet subscriber bastard is.

I dont know what the hell is wrong with me.

Goodbye, ruby tuesday

2005-03-24T08:10:00.000+08:00

Don't question why she needs to be so free

She'll tell you it's the only way to be

She just can't be chained

To a life where nothing's gained

And nothing's lost

At such a cost

Geoff rocks

2005-03-23T01:02:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry. I can't help but check you up on ICQ every now and then to make sure you're around and ok.

But it's not very healthy -- when you're not online, I just get these visions that you're somewhere, getting your brains fucked out by some bastard. And if there is a guy in your life, I just wish his words were mine and I was him - then you'd be mine.

Jealousy, resentment, desolation, rage, insecurity, regret, despondency.... it's not very healthy. I guess I miss you very much, that's all.

I want to fall

2005-03-18T11:05:00.000+08:00

I had a dream, where you wore a silvery-grey skirt with orange trimmings, and your legs looked a little plumper than they were. I knew it was you, because I recognised your voice as you spoke sweet nothings into the your handphone to whichever fucker was on the other end of the line.

I don't know what top you were wearing, or how your face looked like, or how your hair was like. Because I didn't want to look up and let you see I was crying.

And I woke up crying again.

Joy cometh in the morning

2005-03-15T00:14:00.000+08:00

I actually looked forward to waking up in the mornings once. One year ago this time, I ruined it. One year ago this time, I lost my peace. One year ago this time, I lost you.

7 months ago, I last saw you. I hope you're doing fine. I hope you're healthy.

I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be. I don't know why it feels this way, but it does & there's only one person who can fix it.

There is an X-factor, right?

2005-03-14T01:14:00.000+08:00

It was nice that you were witty, sharp and a foot smarter than most. I just liked your smile, which is why I wanted to see you more back then.
I was never sure if you believed it when I said you were beautiful. I was never sure if you believed it when I told you I love you.
I love you.

Still.

Recently, it has been getting worse

2005-03-12T03:20:00.000+08:00

I can't sleep. Most days, I am not able to... unless I drain myself out doing work till late. I try but I can't sleep. I wish it wasn't the case but I don't get to sleep properly nowadays.

Recently, it's gotten really bad.

It's all your fault, you know.

Why does it feel this way?

2005-03-10T21:20:00.000+08:00

If the feelings linger for very long, there's probably very little space left for anyone else.

March is going to be a very hard month. As hard as the months before it and the years after it, without you. No roses for me.

Sad, drunk and poorly / Not feeling so great / Wandering lost

2005-03-06T15:00:00.000+08:00

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Love like a fountain

2005-03-01T20:25:00.000+08:00

I'm here... so it mean my fortitude as not quite as fortified and it didn't really work.

You know, here is still a lot of love for you left in me, and that will never ever change. That much I know and knew.

And I think I have realised I will always have to live with the intolerable pain and the never-ending hurt.

Not that realising that makes it all any better.

Nothing ever will.

These are scars you never show

2004-12-31T01:13:00.000+08:00

Should have told me... seemed like an ordinary day.
Everything seemed to be okay.

Did it hurt you? These are the scars you never show.
She is a fire sign, you know.
One day you're near, and then you go.

There was a wishing well I jumped into,
Nothing came true.

No body hears... no one's concerned.
One day, it's clear and then you burn.

I want it to end today. I want to start again this new year without thinking of you. I want to regain my sanity which I lost with you. I hope I never come back here again. baby, i loved you like no other. if there was some way to get my heart back from you, i would.

Sort of introspective, in a jangly sort of forced Beach Boys way

2004-12-30T08:57:00.000+08:00

[South - Colours In Waves]

Each and every day
colours in waves
love and nights cause sparks
tearing us apart

Street lights fading
cuts my heart
knowing that the time is past
comes in waves that don't belong
to me they're silent

Fall back on what you've done
I'll be the only one
these colours before my eyes
I'll be forever coulourblind

Oh, you hold on to what you can

2004-12-26T02:15:00.000+08:00

It's hard to love there's so much to hate
Hanging on to hope when there is no hope to speak of

And the wounded skies above say it's much too late
So maybe we should all be praying for time...

Weren't you adored

2004-12-24T13:27:00.000+08:00

I cannot be without you, matter of fact
Another heart is cracked in two, I'm on your back

If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

2004-12-18T16:12:00.000+08:00

This Christmas, I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice.

I Have Some Questions

2004-12-14T04:32:00.000+08:00

How are you doing?

How have you been?

How's work?

How's your dog?

How's your family? Your brother finishing up NS soon?

Are you still getting bitten by things from under your desk?

Have you been travelling?

I miss you a lot.

Then It Fell Apart

2004-12-09T13:30:00.000+08:00

[Eels - Fresh Feeling]

You don't have a clue,
what it is like
to be next to you.

I'm here to tell you,
that it is good,
that it is true.

Birds singing a song,
old pain is peeling,
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling.
Words can't be that strong,
my heart is real,
this is that fresh,
that fresh feeling.

Try, try to forget,
what's in the past,
tomorrow is here.

Love, orange sky above,
lighting your way
there's nothing to fear.

Some people are good,
babe in the hood,
so pure and so free.

I make a safe bet,
you're gonna get,
whatever you need.

That fresh feeling.
This is that fresh feeling

One Year Ago

2004-12-06T23:44:00.000+08:00

Work... Beijing & Shanghai... Missing her... Pining for her... Waiting and waiting... The Airport... The Trip Home... The Movie The Next Day... Being Skin Close The Next Minute.

I was then told I was not missed much.

How it hurt. And how I wept.

And how I weep.

Some Things Stay Clearer In Memory Than Others'

2004-12-04T23:39:00.000+08:00

Like when you touched her all over and when she responded.

I still remember everything so vividly.

Your Faith Was Strong But You Needed Proof

2004-12-02T22:25:00.000+08:00

In addition to his Columbia Records releases, Live At Sin and Grace, Jeff Buckley has appeared as a guest artist on several other recordings. He can be heard singing "Jolly Street," a track on the Jazz Passengers 1994 album In Love. He contributed tenor vocals to "Taipan" and "D. Popylepis," two recordings on John Zorn's Cobra Live At The Knitting Factory (1995). On Rebecca Moore's Admiral Charcoal's Song, Buckley plays electric six-string bass on "If You Please Me," "Outdoor Elevator," and "Needle Men" (on which he also plays drums). He both plays guitar and sings backup vocals on Brenda Kahn's "Faith Salons," a key track on her Destination Anywhere album (released 1996). Patti Smith's critically acclaimed Gone Again album features Buckley adding "voice" to the song "Beneath the Southern Cross" and "essrage" (a small fretless Indian stringed instrument) to "Fireflies." On kicks joy darkness, a various artists' spoken word tribute to beat poet Jack Kerouac, Jeff Buckley performed on "Angel Mine"; Jeff plays guitar, sitar, and mouth sax (adding words at the poem's conclusion) on the track. Buckley can be heard reading Edgar Allan Poe's "Ulallume - A Ballad," on Closed On Account Of Rabies (Poems & Tales by Edgar Allan Poe) on Mouth Almighty/Mercury Records. He sang "I Want Someone Badly" (Epic) for Shudder To Think's soundtrack to First Love, Last Rites. Sandy Bell, a friend of Buckley's during his L.A. days, released the resurrected track "Hollywould" in 2000, which she co-wrote and recorded with Buckley.

An ardent enthusiast for a myriad of musical forms, Jeff Buckley was an early champion among young American musicians for the work of Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, the world's foremost Qawwali (the music of the Sufis) singer. Buckley conducted an extensive interview with Nusrat in Interview magazine (January 1996) and wrote the liner notes Nusrat's The Supreme Collection album, released on Mercator/Caroline records in August 1997. On May 9, 2000, Columbia Records released Jeff Buckley-Mystery White Boy, an album of live performances, and Jeff Buckley-Live In Chicago, a full-length concert (available on DVD or VHS) recorded live at The Cabaret Metro in Chicago on May 13, 1995, in the midst of Jeff's "Mystery White Boy" tour.

Following the release of Grace on August 23, 1994, Jeff and his group spent much of 1994-1996 performing around the world on the Unknown, Mystery White Boy, and Hard Luck tours. Jeff Buckley-Mystery White Boy brings together, for the first time, some of the high points of those shows. Produced by Michael Tighe (guitarist for Jeff's band throughout their international touring and the recording of Grace) and Mary Guibert (Jeff's mother) and Jeff Buckley-Mystery White Boy provides an evocative cross-section of Jeff's repertoire: previously-unreleased Buckley compositions, electrifying live interpretations of songs from Grace, and obscure and marvelous cover choices. The recordings heard on Jeff Buckley-Mystery White Boy have been hand-picked from scores of concert tapes by Mary Guibert and the members of Jeff's band who played such a large role in helping Jeff realize his musical vision.

I cried you a river

2004-11-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

Maybe I just can't handle the truth. Maybe I'll never got over it. I miss you, baby.

2004-11-26T01:00:00.000+08:00

Feed me weird things

2004-11-24T17:12:00.000+08:00

If it's a unifying agenda you're after, the elusive key to unlocking Squarepusher's music, then that quote's possibly the one. Or as close as you're ever going to get to music that has defiantly resisted categorisation right from the off. Its certainly a lot more revealing of the new Squarepusher album "Music is Rotted One Note" than any comparisons, name checking, or 'my influences are...' flannel.

25 year old Tom Jenkinson has been spiking inertia ever since his debut releases on the Spymania label back in '95. The tracks, re-released last year by Warp as the 'Burningn'n Tree' album, typify Tom's approach to his music. Complex, fluid, restlessly inventive, constantly striving to strike the balance between energy and innovation and fuelled by the desire to achieve nothing less than the best.

These early tracks prompted Richard James and the Rephlex camp, to release 'Feed Me Weird Things' Tom's debut LP, in June of 96. It was here that the Squarepusher really started to stretch out harnessing the energetic as fuck production normally associated with hardcore and early drum 'n' bass with Tom's more jazz focused musicality. The album sold well proving that there's a large audience out there hungry for a curious and uncompromised slant on music.

Then there's the Squarepusher live performances. Acclaimed gigs at Glastonbury, Mount Fuji Rock festival in Japan, and Belgium's Ten Days of Techno, where Tom would improvise live bass around the structures he was creating with his boxes and tapes. Chaotic affairs they may have often been but at the same time shot through with a purposiveness absent in most lacklustre electronic acts claiming to have gone 'live'. His legendary DJ sets known to include furious drum'n'bass, hardcore, tequila, even the work of the brothers Bros (I Owe You Nothing?) have shaken dancefloors to an incendiary state helped along by Tom's unique, somewhat confrontational, style of toasting. All are examples of rallying against the apathy and mediocrity.

Tom's reputation, albeit often paradoxical, was set. A frantically energetic attention to programming detail to rival jazz drumming greats (Buddy Rich, Art Blakey) merged with his often complex and beautiful melodies. The subtlest all out assault on the block. Squarepusher was second to none in his field of one. You only have to throw his Warp debut 'Port Rhombus EP' to see this. The perfect example of Tom's complex / simplistic approach to music.

After the understated dirty funk of the 'Vic Acid' single Tom followed up with his second album 'Hard Normal Daddy'. Opening with 'Cooper's World' the album showed that machines could swing and that Tom could confidently take further musical risks with his arrangements. 'Chin Hippy' on the other hand threw the listener in at the deep end as an object example of technological experimentalism. Harsh, cerebral, unique. Nevertheless 'Hard Normal Daddy' wound up in end of year charts in magazines throughout the world moving 75,000 copies in the process. Incidentally all payments made by Warp were returned by Tom's accountant as they were out of date by the time he got around to paying them in!

Moment of Clarity #2043

2004-11-19T10:21:00.000+08:00

You really must be fucked up. Really.

You never get used to it

2004-11-15T02:23:00.000+08:00

Every November or thereabouts, I spiral down into a pit of sadness and depression. I don't know whether I told you about this before, or if you remember me telling this to you, but it was at this time almost 11 years ago that I killed an innocent life.

I never got the chance to make it up to her back then -- she left me for a better life with another guy. They say a woman has many secrets and it takes an inordinate amount of strength to hold it back all in. It cut me so bad that I could not make up to her by taking care of her for the rest of my life. It was really hard walking wounded for a few years, and this kind of thing never really goes away.

Then you came along and somehow I thought you might have been the one who was destined for me to somehow make up for my bad karma. I know it's a selfish thing to say and do , but it was like 5% of why I wanted you so bad. The other 95% was all your own fault, of course.

Please don't ever think I was seeing in you what I saw in anyone else -- it was just that shared experience which I was feeding on. I love you so much it hurts. This time, the November Pain I feel is so much more painful. I'm losing my energy and I'm losing my purpose. Never have I ever felt this much regret in my life.

I seriously wonder if it'll kill me.

Fade Out

2004-11-13T14:57:00.000+08:00

[Radiohead - Street Spirit]

Rows of houses all bearing down on me
I can feel their blue hands touching me
All these things in all positions
All these things will one day take control
And fade out again and fade out

This machine will will not communicate these thoughts
And the strain I am under
Be a world child form a circle before we all go under
And fade out again and fade out again

Cracked eggs dead birds
Scream as they fight for life
I can feel death can see it's beady eyes
All these things into frution
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out again.

Deserted and Dead

2004-11-12T13:09:00.000+08:00

"This is a frigging ghost town," says Corporal Steven Wolf, a squad leader for the vehicle the CAAT (Combined Anti Armor Team) Platoon. The streets are deserted. But there are some exceptions. The dead.

At least he died trying...

2004-10-28T22:26:00.000+08:00

"Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds

2004-10-16T03:25:00.000+08:00

Things just won't do without you, matter of fact

You probably don't care anymore anyway

2004-10-13T02:37:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry if i behave like i don't care. i really do. but i just can't take it being without you and all.
it'll hurt with you around and it'll hurt without. if i talk to you, i'll end up talking about us. and you'll get pissed and i'll feel sadder. and i'll grow jealous & envious and all that. maybe it's better this way.

i still love you. and you know i am always waiting.

The Dreams That Break Us

2004-10-01T01:05:00.000+08:00

Sometimes she wakes up as someone different. She makes coffee and rubs the sleep from her creases and corners, tries to light a cigarette on the shaft of sunlight refracted through the wavy glass a the top of her kitchen window. Blinking her hair away from her eyes, she pieces together what bits of her feel altered, pulling burnt hairs and faded linen from the fire.

She remembers a blue bridesmaid's dress and a small house in a field. She remembers the feeling of having a second floor above her head in the kitchen and the creak and sway of the sycamore in a high wind. She remembers floating through the summer and sleeping through the winter, the windows rattling like the rafters of a church. She remembers thrown-together picnics and the texture of English leather in her hands.

It's not her life, not a life she recognizes as familiar but it is definitely a part of her, hiding behind the coffee and the faces on the milk carton. If it's a wish it's one from so long ago that it's been crated with the board games and garden tools still left at her parents' house out west.

Her LPs stayed there, too. And her saddle. She remembers this, peering at the chips missing from the rim of her mug as her coffee slowly lightens with cream.

Empire Records

2004-09-26T04:47:00.000+08:00

Never met a girl like you before

I wish i had known you earlier. I wish I had cut the queue before the other guys got to you. And before the other girls got to me.

What the fuck

2004-09-19T23:18:00.000+08:00

What the fuck am I doing?

I cannot focus.

Talk to my machine

2004-09-16T11:21:00.000+08:00

How to get your linux box to talk to yuour windows box

I Heart Windows XP

2004-09-05T23:29:00.000+08:00

So you want to know how to turn off or turn on the Windows XP System Restore feature?

Find out how here!

System Restore, a Windows XP feature, is similar to the "Last Known Good Configuration" in Windows NT and Windows 2000. You can use System Restore to restore the computer to a previous state, using the backups that it makes of selected system files and program files. Unlike the "Last Known Good Configuration" feature, System Restore maintains multiple restore points. This gives you the choice of restoring your computer to any number of previously saved states.

While this is a desirable feature, in some cases it should be temporarily turned off. For example, if the computer is infected with a virus, then it is possible that the virus could be backed up by System Restore. By default, Windows prevents System Restore from being modified by outside programs. As a result, there is the possibility that you could restore a virus-infected file, or that the on-line scanners would detect the virus in that location.

(how's that for trying to distract myself?)

Madness seems good enough a reason to go on

2004-09-02T00:16:00.000+08:00

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, virtues and vices floated around and were bored, no knowing what to do. One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered together and were more bored than ever. Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea: Let's play hide and seek! All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted: I want to count, I want to count! And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek Madness, all the others agreed. Madness leaned against a tree and started to count: One, two, three... As Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding. Tenderness hung itself on the horn of the moon, Reason hid in a pile of garbage. Fondness curled up between the clouds and Passion went to the center of the earth. Lie said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake, whilst Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking. And Madness continued to count: ... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one... By this time, all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except Love. For undecided as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love. Madness: ...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven... Just when Madness got to one hundred, Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid. And Madness turned round and shouted: I'm coming, I'm coming! As Madness turned around, Laziness was the first to be found, because Laziness had no energy to hide. Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the bottom of the lake and Passion at the center of the earth. One by one, Madness found them all - except Love. Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love. Envious of Love, Envy whispered to Madness: You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush. Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rose bush. Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop. Love appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands. Between his fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes. Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a pitch fork. What have I done! What have I done! Madness shouted. I have left you blind! How can I repair it? And Love answered: You cannot repair my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide. And so it came about that from that day on, Love was blind and was always accompanied by Madness.

I need sugar... I need... I need

2004-08-31T01:27:00.000+08:00

A year since we first came skin close. She probably doesn't even remember the chess, the mcdonalds, the grocery shopping or the yakult. She seldom did.

Hilarious and sad, but no one to share it with

Every time i think of you

2004-08-18T02:29:00.000+08:00

I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue ; Living a life that I can't leave behind ; The wisdom of a fool won't set you free ; Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday ; I'm waiting for that final moment when you'll say the words that I can't say

Face to face

2004-08-16T04:54:00.000+08:00

Evil robots descended on a grass field near my house yesterday afternoon. They started trashing about my entire estate, destroying property and uprooting plants. It was pure madness. Using this strange gift of digital telepathy that I had received in 1998 (I had used this gift before to talk to the robots ebfore they turned evil), I managed to talk to the mechanised metal bastards and asked them what they wanted. What followed was probably unheard of in the history of the universe - the robots realised that they were on the wrong planet! All because they had overslept! They apologised profusely for the error. Then they left, leaving me all alone with my strange gift of digital telepathy which I will never use again.

Have I been this angry before

2004-08-15T17:56:00.000+08:00

I wanted to confide in you about 3 people - one who died, one who severely ill and another who was just so sad.

And you overslept.

I hope we never cross paths again. I'll probably be too overcome with hurt.

Fly me to the moon

2004-08-09T23:57:00.000+08:00

And we'd bring quarter pounders (with cheese) and a coke or two, sit by the river, dangle our feet and watch the sky light up. Too bad we only did it once.

If only you were ehre with me today...

You know I give my all to you

2004-08-07T22:20:00.000+08:00

[Daft Punk - One More Time (unplugged)]

Coming straight for you One More Time
Now listen

Ooh I just saw you last night
And we made good love
Then came the morning light
Still its all I think of

Just one more time
One more time babe
One more time
One

You know I give my all to you
I just can't help myself
Now I'm gonna comfort you
Until there's nothing left
Just one more time

One more time babe
Lets make love
Good love
So good love

Just listen
One More time
we can celebrate
And love so free

The music gots me feeling the need babe
One more time

We can celebrate and dance so free
Love has got me feelin the need
The need babe. Need babe

You wanna know if its real
The feeling that you feel
You wanna know if its finally doing it
One more time baby
It's all, its all good

Just one more
One more time baby
Lets make that love

When you go to work I make it
Huurt

Before the machine take over and the system gets us in
Just be a lover one more time

Now they come and tell me

2004-07-27T12:48:00.000+08:00

Some people, especially men, were brought up to deal with problems internally, by themselves. So some just don't discuss their problems with anyone. Although this can only result in a build up of anger and frustration, that may come out at a time when it's most hurtful and serious emotional damage can be done.

Fluctuating sorrow

2004-07-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

Q: Why does it feel so bad?
A: Maybe because it really meant something.

Q: Why the hell couldn't I hold on to the gold I unearthed?
A: Because you were too fucking stupid, blind & rash. Too fucking petty. Too fucking emotional. And you never got the attention you craved for, you loser... Welcome to the real world where you have to learn to live with others and not the other fucking way around!

where are you

2004-07-12T22:50:00.000+08:00

when will this end?

when will she return?

how can I cleanse the regret?

You haven't answered my question.

We're so full of hope

2004-07-07T11:05:00.000+08:00

[Marilyn Manson - Rock is Dead]

All simple monkeys with alien babies
Amphetamines for boys
Crucifixes for ladies
Sampled and soulless
Worldwide and real webbed
You sell all the living
For more safer dead

1,000 mothers are praying for it
We're so full of hope
And so full of shit
Build a new god
To medicate and to ape
Sell us ersatz
Dressed up and real fake

Anything to belong

We'll see how

2004-06-29T05:33:00.000+08:00

Who's how?

There is no how now, is there?

Eveything counts

2004-06-20T16:43:00.000+08:00

The grabbing hans try to grab and hold on to all that they can.

I was waiting for it to hit me

2004-06-14T00:20:00.000+08:00

Hit me.

But I am a bit of a TV snob

2004-06-13T11:33:00.000+08:00

Go see a list of spin offs from tv shows and what-not, if you're into that kind of trivia or if you need to impress someone with that kind of knowledge.

Sydney

2004-06-11T05:35:00.000+08:00

Sydney Bristow is hot.

Jennifer Garner is so hot - if only there were nude pictures of her around... But then again I have seen and shagged Sydney Bristow. She was good and very tasty.

My reason how it all ended

2004-05-27T06:33:00.000+08:00

i can't convert, i can't
i'm sorry
i really can't
both for me and my family

it's a sick world lah okay
i can't believe this is happening

maybe your parents can be okay with it
my dad can't and i can't have him not talking to me

That's what she said. I still don't think she meant it.
What actually happened was she lost faith in me. Or so I think. She was a daddy's girl but wasn't a disloyal girlfriend.

I messed up big time. Aileen Ho Li-ming: I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. It will never go away.

What Kind of a Follow-up Day It Has Been : Part 2

2004-05-26T14:55:00.000+08:00

It doesn't go away.

No kidding.

What Kind of a Follow-up Day It Has Been : Part 1

2004-05-25T11:40:00.000+08:00

i puked all over the back of the cab.

and i just sat there crying, unable to move out of the haze of my whatever.

Symptomatic

2004-05-16T03:06:00.000+08:00

me:
i meant i am not completely coping too well without you

me:
it's my own stupid fault anyway
heh

you:
i wouldn't have guessed

you wouldn't have guessed? what the fuck? i'd kill a man for you and you cannot guess what i am waiting for?

my stupidity will be the end of me.